Mop-Up RAW 03.19.01 

By Hyatte

Mop-Up RAW

Is the 6 week break becoming a yearly thing?

John D'Arcy: jdarcy@haywire.csuhayward.edu

Probably, but that won't be a problem after next year

Hello! Hello, hello, hello! I am Chris and this is the Mop-Up. Did you think I died or something? It's been a while since we talked, a full month in fact. I'm sure you have tons of questions... well, maybe one or two... well...

I was away for the last month... no grand excuse... no exciting story... no epic tale of love, redemption, or swashbuckling. No princess was saved... no planet liberated... no terrorist master plan thwarted with heart, desire, a machine gun, and a dry, plucky gift for one liners. No... there was none of that. I was simply sick and tired of writing this... well, no... I'm not tired of WRITING... I wrote a lot of stuff lo these past 30... it's just the SUBJECT MATTER I was tired of. Wrestling is a dumb thing to spend the better part of two days a week writing about... I had to stay away and keep away from the Net until I got over my shame. That's it. Thanks to all who pestered Widro and Ashish about my whereabouts... I didn't tell them that I was gone... why should I? Jesus, Chris Williams vanishes for months without warning and they let HIM back in on just the excuse, "Because... uh... I have, like, a LIFE!!" CW ain't drawing flies, so I KNEW they'd keep a light on for me.

Lots of openers to go through... to get us all up to date... I'll save the wrestling news for inside the recaps and stick with the much more interesting topics... MY LIFE... and other observations!!!! Let's get going with some, well... TWO plugs.

Along with this brand new Mop-Up, there is a brand new And Another Thing to be looked at. Because it's been a while, I wrote together a long, weighty, thoughtful piece on the biggest gun we've got. Vince McMahon gets put under the microscope as I try my best to put together some sort of psychological profile on this odd fellow. I think you'll like it AND, I think it'll make you think... so go on over and learn something

This week's closer is a MONSTER edition... it's how YOU... yes... YOU can lose weight. Oh yes, I'm totally serious. No humor. It's my gift to you outcasts for patiently waiting out my little sabbatical. I'm gonna get you in shape, dammit! 

Thanks to the great A1 wrestling site for keeping my name on their front page... and I'm sure they will re-activate the link ups as soon as they realize that their biggest (and ONLY (sort of) famous) supporter is back.

Then there's the Edge. Hmm... what can I say here? There has been no new Edge for like six weeks now... and I doubt there will be one this week. All I can tell you is this... Greg has a job... a mortgage... bills... and is on the road a LOT. I have much of the same. Between us, we put in over 95 hours of work a week. I don't like doing a show unless I can put 100% of my energy into it, and get the same from my co-host... so, while I'm not ready to declare it dead, I'm not making any promises about it's return. 

By the way, Al Isaacs no-showed AND refused to answer our e-mails... which tells me that A: Something REALLY bad happened to him or B: He's getting a little revenge on me for bailing out on SCOOPS without telling him. Look, I just wanted to give him an on-air chance to say goodbye and thank his readers personally, total fluff piece. I didn't lose sleep over his rejection, if that's what it really was.

Anything else? Hmm... that Andy Dick is one FUNNY motherf-er... I WOULD use @#$%^$&... but that seems a little gay now.

It's nice to see Al Bundy back on TV and really enjoying a new role, isn't it?

Oz is over, and while it wasn't the rip roaring finale that they usually put on, I still liked it. I don't think we'll have any more shows for the rest of the year... we may be waiting until January. The good news is that The Sopranos is already cooking huge, and it's only 3 episodes into the season.

I'm picking Colby to win the whole Survivor she-bang... because he's smart enough to know that if he keeps that bitch Jeri around, no one will hate him and he can coast right up until the last two. It makes for AWFULLY boring TV now, just waiting for them to toss out the rest of those Kuchas, but after they're booted, things will pick up.

Let's see... memo to no one you would know... sorry 'bout going away like that, but I have deep seeded issues that have nothing to do with you.

By the way girls, I am a single man, once again. Dumped her HARD, I did. No more sweating what the girlfriend thinks of my column... it's over.

I DID learn one thing while I was away... that being NO MORE FREE PLUGS!!!! None of you can handle an act of kindness on my part without grabbing for more, and assuming that you have influence over me. Like I pay attention to what ANYONE says... like I trust ANYONE . F-ing monkeys. Yeah, I'll push your site... I'll set you up... I'll tell my audience, who trust me not to give them shit, to check you out. But is that good enough? No... oh no... because next thing I know, your asking me to find a new way to plug your site every week... "make it an on-running thing!". F-You. Then you'll try to get me involved in some dopey scheme involving planting fake news just to see who bites. I don't WANT to be involved in a scheme with some faggot from Wrestleline... I don't CARE if Freakboy might get involved... The Scotsman already PULLED a stunt like this a couple of years ago... it's OLD news...LEAVE ME ALONE. Then, the plugs won't be good enough... I'll talk you up on the Edge... KISS YOUR ASS from here to Alaska... but nooo... you'll bring your lifemate in to "respond" to the one, small piece of criticism I had about you... all the nice shit I've ever said... TOTALLY ignored as you hop all over the one small knock. How DARE this arrogant Hyatte insult us like this! Then... when you realize that I've stopped plugging you because my CHARITY only goes so far... THAT'S when you try to incite a "feud" with me... because if you can't get my attention one way, you'll try to get it from another. Oh, what a grand manipulator you are... like your act isn't as obvious as a AIDS lesion on a crackwhore. F-you. Suck my crank, bitches. Contrary to what some desperate losers say, I have NO crowd.

None of you are trustworthy... take for instance Rantsylvania's Web Master Jeremy Botter. Oh yeah, he's as nice as can be to my face... letting me into that "Neutral Ground" forum... defending me to the snotrags who were appalled that Scott Keith (who's humiliating "AmIHotorNot" picture was hyperlinked by me a few columns back... yeah, I'm really chummy with Sean Shannon's crowd) would put me on his site in an indirect form. Jeremy Botter... my best friend in the world, right? RIGHT??

Yeah, okay... here's what Botter had to say about me a year and a half ago...

I can honestly say that I've read Chris Hyatte's material once in my entire life. Trust me, that was MORE than enough for me to make an accurate judgement on his writing skills and intelligence. After reading this transcript, I can honestly say that I was absolutely correct in my judgements of Hyatte. To put it simply, he's a fricking retard! Anyone in the world can throw out a plethora of curse words, mother jokes, and other toilet humor; it takes a real work of art like Hyatte to pull it off with such transparency. Hyatte is better of attempting to please his legions of sub-intelligent fans than trying to match wits with people like Sean Shannon and CRZ.

Yeah.. right... we're good buddies. Me and Botter... all the way. Rat prick. And learn how to spell "judgment"

These people... they're so stupid... like I WOULDN'T find out about shit like this eventually. Like I DON'T know that these cumstains who are so nice to me in a chat room under lame screen names aren't burning my ass in their "real" identities. I DO know... I just don't say anything about it because I get a kick out of their cowardice.

One last thing I learned this past month... I can no longer respond to e-mails with any degree of promptness... I have to wait at LEAST two days before responding. If I DO get an e-mail and respond immediately because I had nothing better to do at the time, I suddenly become open to some sort of psychological profile... suddenly, the way I answer e-mails is now up for examination. F-ing LOSERS!!!! It couldn't be because I saw the e-mail come in and jotted down a nice response in hopes of being courteous and polite... oh no.

Oh, right... and I ALSO learned that apparently, when I tell people that I "respect their opinions"... it's some sort of massive honor. I've told hundreds of people this over the last three years... I've told SEAN SHANNON this. Remember Jay Kirell? He built his whole Internet LIFE on me telling him that I respect him. Please, it's just me being polite and kind... I don't MEAN it. I guess if I was the utter MARK for myself that some people think, I would have known better than to toss that sentence around with such carelessness. Don't take it too seriously, please. Actually, this isn't a problem, since I will NEVER tell ANYONE that I respect their opinions ever again. None of you can handle it.

Except for Zimmerman. I've told him that I respect him and so far, the Pooh Jew has yet to burn me with it. 

Oh, and don't tell people you "love me"... homo. Stay in the closest. I love NO ONE... I'm a MALE... I love GIRLS, not boys. Jeesh... 

Now go dedicate a thousand boring pages to dissecting and responding to THAT... punk bitch. You're welcome. I know you were hurting for this. Just don't send me a ridiculous lecture on how I should respect the legacy that only you and your butt buddy (one and the same) think you have. Smartest thing you could do is ignore this and never talk about me ever again... because I have a LOT MORE to say. I mean really, some people THINK that just because I leave them alone that they are the "one person who can take me down". Uh huh... okay... ANOTHER delusion that my kindness has brought about. Something I've ALLOWED dumb people to think simply because I saw no reason to shut them down. Who's the total mark for his own character now? Is it ME? Or is it the pitiful little nitwit who has PRIVATE e-mail conversations while STILL pretending to be a member of a domesticated pet species?

By the way, and at the risk of messing with ANOTHER one of Sean Shannon's former "crowd" that I supposingly hang with now... we are now only TWO... count them... TWO weeks away from Rick Scaia's infamous APRIL FOOL'S EDITION of either his news, or "Ask the Rick". You see, he will post some REALLY, REALLY fun.. wit... amu... FAKE NEWS OR ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS WRONG IN HOPES OF SHOCKING YOU!!!! Then, at the end of the column, he will delight you all by screaming, "GOT'CHA" and LAUGH at his huge ZINGER on all of you!!! The material is weak... the humor is non-existent... and Scaia is about as funny as a case of blue balls... SO BE PREPARED!!! 

Unless Ricky smartened up and already publicly canceled the annual prank... I haven’t been around at all this month... I tend to doubt this, though.

And since I'm in a bad mood... overdue note to Kevin J Pedofile... or whatever your f-ing name is... it's never over, bitch... stay out of my radar.

FINALLY... concerning Howard Stern. His head writer, Jackie Martling has apparently left the show due to a contract dispute. I say "apparently" because Jackie has done this before and Stern has said during those times that Jackie's gone for good. I think he'll be back, myself. BUT, in case you don't listen, I must tell you that last Wednesday and Thursday had some of the most hilarious radio I have ever heard in my life. It's clear to me that Stern is smart enough to prove a point to his listeners... that the show will not lose a drop of comedic value with no Jokeman around. Hey, we all love Jackie... and I'll miss all the times they play Jackie's laughter after a horrific news piece... and I'll miss the high pitched laugh in the background after Stern says something funny... but I think the show will benefit from some new blood... you know, someone different in the studio to provide a fresh comedy take. It'll help the show get even funnier. Much funnier than that Mancow idiot... who has yet to say ANYTHING even remotely resembling a joke. He's all fake, people... even when he pretends to have a nervous breakdown, or something. He's a douchebag who'll never be anything more than a small time "shock jock" who charges radio stations almost nothing to syndicate him. Pretender to the throne... that's all he is. 

AND... umm... yeah, that's it. I'm done. It's okay to admit that you missed this. I know you did. Y'all need me to set things straight. I know... I know.

Now I can go recap RAW. I have a full month of rage, fury, ire, and umm... more RAGE to vent... and maybe I'll be able to save some for the Nitro recap... either way... it's time to get going... to do it to it.... to do the Dew... ye Gods... it's good to be back!

RAW IS WAR (or: Regal is GOD!!!!)

-the ending of Miami Vice. Personally, I refuse to support any show where the lead character licked his cigarette like a PENIS before lighting it up and sucking it like a PENIS. I'm not sure what the symbolism is... but it made me feel too strange. I WOULD say that anyone who likes the show might also like PENIS... but I think there's enough potential "responses" to me on the docket for next week, don't you? 

-footage from last week... where Rocky ate, like, 12 Stunners! Jesus... way to belabor a point, guys! Have the bald redneck beat up the cool brother. We get it... siege heil.

-I'm not sure how this angle gets Stephanie over, though? Isn't that the POINT of RAW these days?

-We go backstage and outside... where the Rock is pacing. Ross, "He is frustrated... he is angry... and he is growing, impatient!" (Why? They freed Puffy! They freed OJ! WE'RE FINALLY GETTING A LITTLE JUSTICE!!!! BOOYAAAA!!!)

-opening theme... all new shots. Same indecipherable music.

-What's the biggest injustice? That Puffy went free or that OJ went free?

-answer: OJ. Because there's a good chance that Puff Diddee really didn't do anything.

-REAL answer... Injustice? WHAT'CHOO TALKIN' ABOUT??? BROTHERS WENT FREE FOR A CHANGE!!!! 

-Gots us some fans, some fireworks, some signs. They are in Albany, at the sold out Pepsi Arena. Try getting a Dr Pepper in that joint, pally! Just... you... TRY!!!!

-WWF New York are RED HOT!!! I hear Puffy's having a Acquittal Party there after the show. What a swell chance for Vince to unload some of his old "Dino Bravo Bulletproof Vests" that he tried to market a few years back.

-Jim Ross introduces himself and La... Paul Heyman!!!! THEY PUT A JEW NEXT TO JIM ROSS???? MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!!

-Jeeze, and I thought sticking him with Ventura was punishment enough.

-Does this mean Heyman's a booker now? Because that would be AWESOME.

-So... um... where's Lawler? I've been away.

-Oh, okay... I know what happened. Here's the deal. God Bless the King, you know I'm up for a good Lawler mark out and all... but the horny old man act was wearing thin... very thin. Plus, if your wife is fired... you DON'T WALK OUT WITH HER!!!! YOU SUCK IT UP!!! YOU THINK, "OKAY... HIGH PROFILE GIG... LIFE AS A WRESTLER IS EASIER WHEN MCMAHON LIKES YOU!!! I'M MAKING MONEY HAVING FUN!!!" AND YOU ACCEPT THE BUSINESS DECISION!!!

-one constant rule of the WWF: If your over... you stay. If the crowd likes you, you STAY! Unless you are too much of a headache. Then you GO. The Kat must have been up to something... or else they would have kept her around.

-Heyman is a brilliant booker. ECW wouldn't have lasted a month were it not for his booking. God Bless Heyman! The King is dead... LONG LIVE THE HEBE!

-Meanwhile, during my pointless Semitic barbs, The Big Show came out. He was carrying the hardcore strap. I liked it when he had it wrapped around his arm. It sold the image.

-Raven came out. With a carriage filled with, what looks like produce! Yeah, hit the Show with a head of lettuce! And if he doesn't sell THAT... BACK TO OHIO!!!!

-Footage from No Way Out ("she didn't buy my storrrry") where TBS WON the strap from Raven. You almost forget that he was WWF champ... almost

-Raven unloaded the carriage then kicked it over. He rolled in, grabbed something... then rolled out and hit TBS with what looks like TWO trash can lids.

-TBS, who sells about as much a Used Yugo Dealer, quickly Gorilla pressed Raven and hoisted him back in the ring... where his foot became caught on the top two ropes.

-Because he is a HARDCORE LEGEND RIGHT TO THE BONE!!!! The Show quickly dropped EVERYTHING and went to work helping Raven free his leg. Yes, there is such a thing as fair play... EVEN WHEN THE RULES ARE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW, DAMMIT!!!

-man, is Terry Funk dead yet? Because if he ain't, that stunt probably killed him!

-Raven was finally freed. I swear I heard Ross mumble, "Oh that fat bastard!"

-TBS tossed Raven around. Raven tried to clip Wight off at the knee... Wight delivered a nasty running... err... walking powerslam... he raised his hand up and screamed "AHHHH" when...

-Kane came out in a BURST of red lights and pyrotechnics. It nice to NOT hear the color man on RAW scream, "YOW" every friggin' time Kane's entrance went off... isn't it? ISN'T IT??? ANSWER ME, GODDAM YOU!!!!!

-TBS met Kane on the floor and they started swinging.

-Kane tossed half the ring steps into the ring. Both men crawled back in... BIG sign shown that read, "I'D RATHER BE AT NITRO!" (Well, haven't seen anything like THAT in a few years! Don't tell me that in the month I've been away the F-ing KWEE WEE got himself over!?!?)

-Kane knocked the Show around. Raven got up and whipped Kane around to face him and gave him the SHARP end of his tongue for having DARED interfered in his job out to TBS. Turn up the volume and you'll hear Raven bark, "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT TOMMY DREAMER WAS ONCE MY BITCH?!?!" Kane knocked him down. As if Kane would give a flying crapola... he once did the dentist gimmick... he's paid his dues.

-TBS clotheslined Kane out of the ring. He proceeded to finish off Raven. Kane climbed to the top ropes. He clotheslined TBS right before Wight got off the "Final Encore Curtain Call"... or whatever he calls the damn silly move. Raven used his momentum and REGAINED the HC belt! 

-Raven them tried to attack Kane with a stop sign. Kane no souled it (meaning, he laughed it off, then spent an hour explaining how he invented parody on the Internet). Kane went after Raven. Raven, instead of being smart and holding the stop sign in front of Kane, therebye forcing Kane to stop in his tracks like the idiot that he is. rolled out of the ring, grabbed his belt, and took off. Kane went after him.

-Meanwhile... Shane McMahon was backstage, walking with a clipboard in his hand. Was he reading the scripted layout for tonight? Was he reading the latest "And Another Thing" about what REALLY motivates his Father (plug city baby... whoo hooo!!!) WAS HE READING THE ALTERNATIVE ENDING TO THE BUZZ ON PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING WHERE THE AUTHOR OFFERS TO PERSONALLY REFUND THE READER'S MONEY FOR BUYING THIS NONSENSE?? We will never know.

-commercials. If Joe Dirt doesn't finally kill off the mullet, nothing will

-We see that Raven ran like hell out of the building during the break. Ross swore it was because Kane was chasing him. I heard that after the match, Raven was approached by a shirtless Patterson, holding a sponge on one hand and a tube of cookie dough in another and kept saying, "Hey Scotty Flamingo, I heard you watch Will & Grace." Raven tore ass so fast Pat spent 10 seconds talking to his after image.

-There... happy now? You waited a MONTH for that! I would have killed the Pat jokes a year ago, but you crazy homophobes keep asking and asking for them. DON'T BLAME HYATTE!!! BLAME YOURSELVES!!!

-Meanwhile, The COACH told the ROCK that Austin's flight was delayed so he'll probably be waiting there until 11:06 pm. Rocky told Coachy to GO to the airport and DEMAND that they tell Austin's pilot to step on it. Because he wants revenge and he wants it TONIGHT!! 

-Shane McMahon comes out with his clip board. Jeeze... even that stuttering mongoloid Rick Steiner gamely goes at it without dummy cards.

-That's not too bright of me to call a tough guy like Steiner a mongoloid. I apologize to Rick.

-Shane enters the ring and says that all his life, he's always been asked, "What's it like to be Vince McMahon's father?" Well, Shane always answers, "How would I know? The second I was out of diapers, Dad sent me to Maine to learn the business far away from him!! THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE, FOLKS!!! HYATTE HIT IT RIGHT ON THE HEAD!!!!!" (Wow... I'll be damned! I was just guessing the whole time, too) 

-Shane called his childhood a "thrill ride" (That Sherri was like a bucking bronco!)... and that he spent his life telling his friends that his father can "kick the crap out of, humiliate, embarrass, and buy each and every one of your fathers a million times over!" (yes but... how do you get to know the Puppeteer? Find out who's... uh uh uhh... you have to read it!)

-Shane grew up watching every evil. Heartless deed his father has ever pulled. (How would you react if you were 13 years old and you saw a grown man weep in front of your daddy and sob, "But... I don't WANNA be 'Adorable', Vince!!! Please, DONT MAKE ME!!"? Actually, it would make ME feel pretty F-ing LUCKY!!!! MY GOD, I JUST WON THE LOTTERY!!!)

-Shane ran down all the people who could not stop his father... Steve Austin, The Rock, Mick Foley, BILLIONAIRE Ted Turner (because, of course, Vince is a PAUPER).

-Shane referenced the Costas interview... where Vince did a mean impression of Ross Perot debating Al Gore on Larry King Live "Can I finish? Will you let me finish?"

-Shane asked Vince if he wanted to play with HIM... because he has a challenge for him. Wrestlemania... Father vs Son with the stakes too damn high to mention!! Emotional stakes!!! Family stakes!! Stakes that can cut through a family bond like a GINSU THROUGH HOT BUTTER!!!!! DEAR GOD!!!! HOUSTON, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!!

-Vince didn't come out... Stephanie did. How do you know when a Princess is TOO taken with herself? When she ignores all professional advice and REFUSES to give up the goofy ass "krinkle style".

-Ooph... must be chilly in that arena.

-Double ooph... when Stephin' ain't stuffin'... those bad girls be saggin'. Never mind the pencil, she can hold the whole tree that MADE the pencil under those things.

-Steph entered the ring and grabbed a mic. She began to plead with her brother to stop this. 

-TRIPLE Oooph.... check out Steph, the ingenue... (Eyes bugging out) "YOU'RE gonna challenge DAD...(full head turn to the camera, to showcase her utter shock).. at WrestleMANIA?!?!?" (walk around Shane, giving the audience a full shot of her hands slightly lifted outward in dismay... still retaining the look of shock).

-Stephanie, "Don't you know that dad is doing all of this for us?" (perfectly enunciated)

-More chewing of yon scenery. Thankfully, Vince comes out with Trish. ONLY when following a Stephanie performance can Vince's acting can EVER be called "understated"

-Staying at the entrance, Vince picked up the mic and began to partake of the bacon his own damn self... grandly stating that he can imagine his Wife, Shane's mother, Linda McMahon, sitting in the hospital, watching this... in her medicated state... looking blankly at the screen. Vince mimicked Linda's assumed agape stare... which, ironically, is the SAME EXACT STARE hundreds of thousands of viewers had on when they watched Vince overreact to every single thing Bob Costas tried to say. "THIS clown is a billionaire?"

-let me put it to you this way... here's a seen from next week's booking meeting for Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton:

-Producer: "James, we have Judith Dench, Ed Harris, Sandra Bullock, and Billy Bob Thorton lined up for next month!"

-Lipton: "Marvelous. Simply wonderful. Four exceptionally gifted talents who love the craft."

-Producer: "Now for May, I think we can line up Stephanie McMahon."

-Lipton: *spitting his Earl Gray all over his copy of The Collected Works of Chekov PFFFTH... "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND??? THIS IS A STUDY OF THE THEATRE!!!! THE EXAMINATION OF THE F-ING METHOD!!!!! NOT THE DAMN... DAMN... THE DAMN RODEO!!!"

-and so it goes... we will never hear Stephanie's favorite curseword.

-still, I personally think Steph is so cute plying what she's learned in her Intro to Acting class on live TV.

-Vince huffed and puffed some more... reminding Shane that he "tried" Vince when he was 16. He "tried" Vince when he was 18. He even "tried" Vince when he was 24. But what Shane has got to remember is... "I'm Vince McMahon!" ("and you're not"... COME ON VINCE!!! FINISH THE DAMN LINE!!! BECAUSE THE ENTIRE WORLD WAS EXPECTING IT!!!)

-Vince had Trish go and get the contract. Which she did. I mentioned it in the AAT, I'll mention it now. Vince's treatment of Trish a couple of weeks ago was nothing but him acting out a mid-life powerplay. Trish will get NO revenge... there will be NO evening the score... this was just Vince doing what he wants and thinking this is what the crowd expects from him. Total ego stroke.

-I have very little doubt that Vince banged Trish in real life, either. Not with that tongue of hers jammed up in that mouth.

-Trish walked over, took the contract, and brought it back to Vince. Vince looked over it briefly, then WALKED DOWN THE RAMP TO SHANE ANYWAY!!! (then WHY MAKE TRISH... I MEAN WHAT WAS THE POINT... WHY WASTE TIME ON... OH MAN!!!)

-Vince thought to get a piece of Shane right now. Shane went into that hyper-mode that made him excruciating as an announcer, "BRING IT ON!! BRING IT ON!! LETS GO!!!"

-Vince circled the ring over to JR... then made JR witness the contract signing... then sign it himself to prove that Vince McMahon DID sign it and not some forger... of course, the fact that McMahon signed it ON LIVE TV IN FRONT OF BILLIONS made Ross's involvement unnecessary... but much like the F... umm... the Amendment where we American citizens are allowed to bear muskets in case those sneaky ass Red Coats try to creep back into the New Land... the law is still the law... no matter how outdated and irrelevant it is to the present day.

-umm... I FULLY support the ownership of arms... got two myself. I use them to type this.

-and guns... I love the fact that I can register for and purchase a gun. God Bless America and GET A HAIRCUT, HIPPIE!!! 

-Vince took the contract away... then said to his son that he'll give the sheep a PREVIEW of their match right here, right now! Shane's mouth went into warp speed.

-As with every tease Vince does... he stalls, pauses, and takes his bleedin' time so that...

-... HH and that H guy can charge out and attack Shane from behind. He stomps him around some... then Vince stops him, pauses, then screams "PEDIGREE HIS ASSS(cough cough)". HHH performs the Pedigree... Shane is out. HHH turns him over... Vince gets right in his face and says, "I've got a piece of advice for you! I'll never, EVER, I will never ever forgive your Mother for having you!!!" Then he said that he will spring his Mother from the hospital, roll her down to the corner during Wrestlemania, so she can watch Vince beat Shane's ass. (Which USUALLY would pretty much give away the ending... meaning that Linda will recover just in time to chair Vince or something and give Shane the win, then establish HERSELF as the Holy Mother/Head Muckety Muck of all things WWF while Vince vanishes awhile to save his dying XFL. BUT, with this being the WWF... I'm sure the whole thing will end with Stephanie somehow running things.

-The segment ended with Stephanie watching this with an evil look (sense memory?) Ross shouting, "THAT'S HIS SON!!! THAT'S HIS SON!!! WHAT KIND OF HUMAN BEING IS VINCE MCMAHON TO DO THAT???" Listen carefully and you might here Heyman mutter, "The kind who strips a man who could never be a threat to him of all his workers, making him come crawling to Stamford on his fakockta hands and knees to get a job." Yes, that was my attempt to type a Jewish word.

-Heyman deems that Vince has FINALLY gone too far!! Betraying his own SON like that! (I don't know... forcing his clueless daughter to marry the Undertaker still ranks as a pretty low point. Screwing around with Owen's harness wasn't nice either. Pooping in Sable's gym bag was just plain childish. Sticking his thumb up Nicole Bass's buttocks from behind was just plain sick.

-So, do we get a Limp Bizcut concert after the Wrestlemania show? Is that the deal? if so, then I'm in!

-commercials

-moments ago, I accused Vince of trying to make his daughter a concubine for evil, killing a Hart, and defecating into Sables bag, and violating the ass of a she-male.

-Outside, HHH tuned up Shane some MORE... then shoved him into a Limousine and told the driver to go back to Greenwich. Vince screamed at him as it happened. The sad thing is... you just KNOW Shane will end

Click Here For Part 2!!!

-The Hardyz are the tag champs... what I want to know is whether they are still doing the Lita/Matt/Malenko triangle... plus, I'd like to know what Essa Rios thought when Lita jammed HER tongue down Matt's throat? I also want to know if I could get away with getting my infant second cousin downstairs to give me a blowjob without his parents finding out. (You ain't had oral 'till you've gotten it from a TOOTHLESS mouth... booyaaa. Plus, your pecker gets that "new baby smell" as an added bonus)

-This was SUPPOSED to be the Hardyz against the Dudleys... but it was Edge and Christian who came out. Ross screamed "WHY, GODAMMIT, WHY!"

-Edge got on the mic and announced that he was "back" (he got sick of this nonsense too?)

-Edge also announced that the Dudleys aren't in the building tonight... they blew it. So, if they had the guts, why don't they except the great E&C; as their challengers for the night.

-One of the Boyz managed a weak, "Let's do it!" before someone cut their mic off. Some production guy’s gonna can fired for that. It's common knowledge that the Hardyz are NEVER allowed mic time, dammit... NEVER!

-The match got going. Ross wondered about the Dudleys. Heyman, "Why ask me? Am I my Dudley's keeper?" (I thought it was cute. F-You)

-Matt Hardy was in the ring with Christian. He knocked him down, then hopped to the top rope. He screamed, "HOOOOOOOO" then nailed C with a legdrop. Was THAT a torch that REALLY needed to be passed?

-Whoa... WHOA!! Christian just grabbed Matt in a Scorpion Death Drop lock, but instead of dropping straight down, he dropped TO ONE KNEE... F-me... that the coolest damn move I've seen in YEARS!!!!

-Matt takes a beating. Heyman, who seems to be DANCING around the traditional "Heel Color man" gimmick, is still refusing to NOT put over his Dudley Boys. Somehow, I doubt he'll ever dis a former ECWer. 

-The Boyz try to pull off their footstool dive bomb thing... but Edge pulled the Ref in the path. Down he went.

-Lita got involved with a Litacarana. (I herebye christen thee... now GO MAKE IT HAPPEN, PEOPLE!!!)

-Edge dropped Lita from behind. Matt saw red. Edge took a twist of fate. Edge also took a Swanton bomb. Looks like a successful title defense and a clean win is the order for the da...

-Who should pop out but RHINO!!!!!! He spears the beejeezus out of Jeff and allowed Edge to crawl over and pin him easy. We have new tag champs. Plus a SCARY new edition to the WWF ranks. 

-Rhino is big... Rhino is young... Rhino has skills... Rhino is a handsome man under that grease. IF groomed properly, we are looking at a VERY big player for the future.

-Rhino wore an ECW shirt too... I'm sure Paulie had to wipe away a small tear. THEY STILL LOVE YOU, PAUL!!!!

-The Undertaker ROARED into the building on his... heh... Titan Bike. (Aren't they under the "Matchbox" name?)

-commercials

-Footage of what just happened.

-Backstage... E&C; announce that they are now 6 time tag champs. Rhino hyperventilates, and seems to have broken his wrist? Christian told Rhino to go back to the hotel. He also told Rhino not to "maim" anyone. Rhino panted out single syllable words that don't come anywhere near qualifying as a sentence. Oy vey... can we NOT go in this direction... PLEASE?

-Steven Regal spots the Undertaker and approaches him, surrounded by a gaggle of would be Police Officers. Regal would like to speak to the UT. UT called him "Fancy Pants"... (In the background, Patterson called out "Someone asked for me?")

-Regal has a restraining order against the UT from...

-UT... because he's been kicking ass for TEN LONG YEARS AND KNOWS EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK!!!! Cuts off Regal and tries to move this along by saying "yeah yeah... I can't go near HHH.... didn't Kamala try this against me 7 years ago?"

-Regal stated that actually, the UT was not allowed within 25 feet of STEPHANIE MCMAHON!!! UT just stared, then muttered, "Damn, they pulled something new out of their asses for once! God Bless Paul E Jewman!"

-UT ended the bit by making a cold threat to Regal. Saying that he KNEW Regal ratted him out to the Law last week... and that makes him an endangered species. And in the UT's world... snitches are a dying breed. I love this guy.

-Regal sneered... thoroughly besmirched. I love THAT guy.

-I love BOTH these guys. 

-Oh.. wait... I love NO ONE. I meant, I LOVE NO ONE ONLINE!!! Okay?

-Heyman enjoyed that. Ross wondered what strategy HHH was trying to pull. Heyman went into aggressive hyperbole. Just WATCHING JR's face when he listens to Heyman makes Paul worthy of that chair, especially when Heyman commented about JR's own "marital experiences" It's hilarious.

-The Coach FINALLY made it to the airport, and announced that the waiting is the hardest part... every day get one more yard. But the Coach will take it on, babe... he'll take it to the heart. (wow... I think I'm making some wild interpretations here)

-Meanwhile, HHH is in Regal's office and says he's feeling "saucy". So how about lining up a match? Regal suggests Jericho. HHH suggests Test, offering a little revenge on Regal's part for beating him for the Euro title. (I hate it when I jam too "fors" so close together). Regal liked the idea. He also liked the fact that HHH was standing so close to his seated body wearing only his tights for pants. (Hey, he IS British, after all).

-Spot for the WWF Wrestlemania magazine... and not once shot of Hogan, Piper, the Ultimate Warrior, OR Randy Savage.

-commercials

-HHH finds the Big Show and laughs at him for jobbing to Raven. Before TBS can counter with, "Aren't you the guy who lost a mud match with that hillbilly?", HHH jumped in with a plan involving him, HHH, Kane, and the Undertaker. We were not allowed to hear the details...most likely because the utter stupidity of the details would cause us to question why we even bother with this nonsense.

-Steven Richards comes to the ring with Val Venis in tow. Man, wanna bet Val spends his night in bed staring at the ceiling and asking, "What the F**K happened to my career?"

-We see that on Smackdown, Tazz quite neatly took Lawler's place in the color position, AND in the RTC angle. (Heh... so who REALLY won that feud, huh?)

-Tazz came out to a HUGE pop... I wonder if anyone took notice? I mean, other than Paul, who earned nothing but a clear view of that ugly, purple vein on Vince's forehead when he suggested that they hand the WWF title to Tazz and build the company around him.

-The match was all Tazz... who wasted no time in giving Venis AND Richards the Tazzmission.

-FINALLY... (well, after a minute of this) the Rocky ran out and cleaned RTC house. Tazz went up to high five him... Rocky gave him the Rock Bottom. (Heyman, "For CHRISSAKES!!! DOESN'T ANYONE REALIZE HOW LONG I'VE SPENT BUILDING TAZZ UP??????) Ringside fans reported that they heard Tazz moan, "But Brother... we have to stick togeth.." WHOOMP

-Rocky cleaned ECW (andval) house (and if you miss the symbolism THERE... you simply are NOT a mark), then got on the stick and angrily called out Austin. He even called Austin a.. *gasp*... CANDY ASS!!! (How DARE he!!!). He also said that he didn't want to wait for Wrestlemania. He spoke directly to Austin... even though Austin was still live 35'000 FEET IN THE AIR!!!! NOT EXACTLY WITHIN HEARING RANGE!!! YOU KNOW???

-I'm still waiting for someone to tell me what a "Hoodrat Trick" is.

-commercials I LOVE the use of Limp Bizcut's "My Way" to hype the main event. Adds the drama nicely. AND NOT ONCE DOES FRED SING, "YOU CANNOT IMAGINE!" UNLIKE SOME WRESLTING COMPANIES WHICH USED IT FOR EVERY SINGLE PPV PROMO SINCE AUGUST!!!!!!!!!!!!

-By the way... it's called "X-Seven" because Internet Writers usually have no clue what they are talking about... I think that's the theory. (andyouwonderwhyIstoppedpluggingtheidiot)

-Coach hasn't seen Austin yet, but he DID run into the Dudleys...D-Von stopped dead in his tracks and moaned, "WHAT THE FU**?? NO ONE GAVE ME A SCRIPT FOR AN AIRPORT SEGMENT!!!!" Both Dudleys blew him off and took off to get their title shot! Oh are they in for a shock!!! SUCKAAAAS!!!

-oh., so I went kayfabe for half a flippin' second... give me a break!

-The GAME came out... and... and....

-....

-................

-..................., ........., .........

-sonafabitch......

-dammitalltof-ingHELL

-I'm sorry... but... well... you know that HHH theme song... that Motorhead deal?

-well... err... I... well, that is to say....

-umm....

-the damnthingisgrowingonme

-ARRRGH!!! LEMMYSUCKSLEMMYSUCKSLEMMYSUCKS

-but I'm starting to like that damn song... OKAY??? SUE ME!! IT'S CATCHY!!!

-Anyway... 3H was out.

-Test followed suit. Two large, muscular, blonde men with their hair dripping wetness down their deep chests... suddenly, Queer As Folk seems as macho as a Schwarzenegger flick.

-Ross commented on the irony that Test had relations with Stephanie a while ago, but was ditched for the big H. The real irony is that as early as five years ago, WWF announcers were NEVER allowed to have long term memories.

-This match barely had time to get going when...

-The Undertaker stepped out. In a move of Schiavonian proportions, Ross heard the DISTINCT BIZCUT THEME music... YET, waited until the UT stepped out before stating, "MY GOD, IT'S THE UNDERTAKER!!!" (what? Did he think they were going to bring back Brian Lee for another impersonation angle?)

-UT waited at the entranceway... not looking to serve time in the pokey for getting too close to the Princess (and boy, doesn't that nickname fit perfectly?). HHH watched with satisfaction and smugness. Test was out of the ring... patiently waiting for the moment when he can assume his lame duck role for tonight then go to the hotel bar and pick up a few ring rats.

-The Big Show snuck up behind UT with a chair. Kane ran out and grabbed the chair. TBS went down. UT conferred with Kane... Kane went down the aisle... and WALKED TOWARDS STEPHANIE!!!!!! 

-Stephanie went over the guard rail (GET that fat ass OVER there, girlfriend!!! Maybe we should cut back on the FRITOS????), landing on her back... legs akimbo. she got up and took off. Kane followed suit. later, we are told he grabbed her, but we missed it.

-meanwhile, HHH watched his wife be chased away... then realized that no wife=no restraining order... slowly he turned. Heyman screamed, "CONSPIRACY!!" Ross screamed, "TAKE IT EASY, OLIVER STONE!!!" *I* screamed, "CHEMISTRY!!! WE'VE GOT CHEMISTRY!!!!"

-UT... and dammit, this is why he is the COOLEST mutha IN this business... slowly ambled to the ring. Slowly took off his hat and glasses. Slowly entered. And proceeded to whomp ass.

-HHH with his big knee drop to the face... UT no souled it (meaning, he laughed, then spent an hour explaining how he revolutionized the Internet Wrestling Scene). HHH was hoisted up for the chokeslam. TBS woke up and charged. UT dropped 3H and knocked TBS down. Hunter bailed. Test sighed deeply... remembered his mortgage payment... and entered the ring to take the obligatory chokeslam. TBS loosely held HHH back as they walked away. Bizcut blared on the speakers... all is right with the world.

-commercials

-The Announcers get face time. Heyman said that "just because you think you're paranoid does NOT mean that the whole world isn't against you!" (Is he talking about ME???)

-We see that Kane indeed DID catch Stephanie and carried her away. With Torrie off playing Ninja bitch... our brimstone boy needs some NOOKY!!!

-The end result is that UT blackmailed Regal into booking Kane vs the Big Show AND UT vs HHH at Wrestlemania. The blackmail was executed by having Kane threaten to throw Stephanie off a backstage balcony down on the concrete. It was a cool segment... brilliantly handled by the coolness of the UT and the desperation and worry of Regal.

-I've heard rumors that many people are turning their noses down on the UT/HHH match because UT is too old. F-YOU!!! Nice bit of shortsightedness there, douchebags! Here's the deal... the UT works BEST against people who excel at making their opponents look good. HHH is the current master at making good matches against anyone. UT usually delivers when he's motivated. HHH is a great motivator. They are probably already discussing how to turn this match up a few notches and steal some of the main event heat. I'm calling this the sleeper match of the card... it'll be a real treat.

-Blackman and Brian Christopher took on X-Pac and Justin Credible. Albert helped his boys win the match. It's almost Wednesday afternoon and I haven't even TOUCHED the Nitro recap yet... I can't waste time on anything dealing with Blackman.

-The Dudleys show up and BULLY Regal into making E&C; work TWICE in one night. Regal was still shaken from the Stephanie incident to put up much of a fight (either that, or he just heard Vince utter the ONLY six words that could made his pecker crawl deep within his pelvis... "How about a Blue Bloods reunion?")

-meanwhile... Jericho wandered into Regal's office... gazed upon his teapot... smiled... picked up the teapot... walked behind the curtain behind the desk. The camera gave us a tour of Regal's desk as we heard something be "tinkled" into Regal's tea pot. (God bless the natural acoustics of CURTAIN FABRIC!!!! Makes the slightest noise LOUDER THAN A FIRETRUCK'S SIREN)

-The audience reacted better than ANY laugh track could ever HOPE for.

-commercials

-then came the obligatory moment where some flunky DESPERATELY tried to tell Regal about Jericho's stunt... but his Lordship wouldn't let him do it. Now, any idiot would just blurt, "HE PISSED IN YOUR TEA!!" But then, we wouldn't get... 

-Regal holding the teacup...

-Ross moaning, "oh no... Oh no!" (Isn't he watching the show on his monitor? Couldn't he hear Ross or Heyman yell, "DON'T... DON'T!!)

-Regal drinking...

-The crowd cheering... and reacting...

-Regal looking at the cup cockeyed... strangely

-Regal drinking more...

-The crowd laughing...

-Regal making a disgusting face and sneering...

-Regal hissing, "Rather tart!"

-REGAL FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!! THE BASTARD PROVIDED THE FUNNIEST MOMENT IN EONS WITHOUT SAYING A WORD!!! DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW GIFTED THE GUY IS!!!! GIVE HIM A RAISE!!! 

-Of course... *I* would have referenced one of the funniest movies in the world and had him say, "Does have a little wang to it"... but then I would have made him run to the ring and fart to the song "Volaire". (HUGE props to you if you get THAT bad boy... I'm sure my man, Smitty is all over it. Ride safe, brother... ride safe!)

-Ivory came out with a cardboard stand-ee of Chyna. This was her big promo to remind us that Chyna will be in Houston in two weeks.

-She goofed on the cardboard... calling Chyna as "fake as ever" and "as dumb as cardboard"... then giggling.

-Ivory took credit for breaking her neck (again), and sending her to the hospital (again)

-Ivory screamed "SHUT UP", twice... although I wouldn't exactly call the crowd ROWDY at the time... unless they were snoring too loud.

-You know... Ivory's promo really had NOTHING to do with the censorship gimmick... she didn't even reference the RTC's purpose at all. Nothing humorous there, just one of my observations that I'm famous for.

-Ivory flipped and started to beat up the cardboard.... Heyman got some mileage out of it by doing a INTENTIONALLY bad impression of JR by calling it legit...

-Heyman, "Here she goes, from behind! The camel clutch! ANDNOWSHE'SRIPPINGHERHEADOFF!!!! She broke her neck... AGAIN!"

-Ross, "That's... stop it Paul. That's not funny!"

-Heyman, "Here comes with the piledriver! This is a real slobberknocker! Down she goes, down she goes, Cowboy!"

-Finally, Chyna came out and DDT'ed Ivory. She signed a piece of paper that Ivory had that freed Ivory from any legal responsibility should she injury Chyna again during the WM match.

-Bull and the Goodfather charged out and Chyna took off. Walking backwards so the camera could get an eyeful of her boobies.

-of all the WM matches set up... the ending to THIS one is the most obvious. 

-of all the statements I've made... THAT one was the most obvious.

-MEANWHILE... Regal told a visiting Michael Kole that his tea has been besmirched. So, he has now made tonight's main event a 3 on 2 affair. Now, I realized that I never even mentioned the main event until now, nor have I mentioned the players involved... but I refuse to believe that there is ANYONE out there who does not know who is involved AND know what happened.

-I was waiting for Regal to ask Kole who besmirched the top of his head? For Chrissakes... can he BE any gayer with that streak job?

-commercials

-The Announcers get face time. Heyman carried on about, "THE TENSION!!! THE TENSION!!!" Again, the slight pauses Ross takes to stare at Paul after each statement is worth the price of admission alone.

-The COACH has finally spotted Steve Austin and Debra... he tells Austin that the Rock has called him out and WANTS him at the arena. Austin responded, "Well, where did he THINK I was going, dumb ass? To his momma's house?" Austin announced that asses will be whipped all because of Coach, then told him to go get his bags. Austin left, Coachman threw down his mic and yelled, "Didn't Lincoln END this garbage????"

-The Dudleys come out. Heyman announces that "Uncle Ben's Rice" has paid good money to keep this crap on the air. I'm sure somewhere in an Albany Airport, Coachman is screaming, "THAT SHOULD BE 'UNCLE TOM'S RICE' DAMMIT!!! DEBRA'S SUITCASE WEIGHS A TON!!!!!"

-E&C; come out... NONE too pleased. We see that they really did work earlier tonight (they did? when?) PLUS, they already sent the Rhino home. (you know, I thought his suit was grafted and bonded to his skin? How did he get it off? Yeah... go ahead... shake your head in confusion... once again, the GOD OF OBSCURE REFERENCES HAS LAID DOWN ANOTHER IMPOSSIBLE CHALLENGE!!!!! whichisusuallyansweredbytwentypeoplewithinfiveminutesofpostingdammit)

-actually... and fairly certain that by now, you've all remembered just how winded I can be and have dumped out of this recap 40 marks ago and are now skimming through (or waiting for) the Nitro recap.

-I'll make it easy, because I've blabbed on enough. They had a standard match... no thrills...

-Groin Headbutt... 

-a little "get the tables"... all perpetrated on Christian, by the way.

-Edge dropkicked the table right into D-Von's mush.

-Christian was all set to do damage to Buh Buh with a chair. Looks like a successful title defense and a (relatively) clean win is the order for the da...

-OUT pops LITTLE SPIKE DUDLEY... who lives within a HALF A MILE FROM ME!!! GODDAMMUTHAF**KINGC-SUCKER!!! YET ANOTHER GUY FROM MY TOWN WHO IS A SUCCESS WHILE I TOIL AWAY AS A DISMAL FAILURE IN LIFE!!!!!

-Spike dropkicks the chair into Christian's face.. then gets off his acid drop. Heyman had a ball pretending that this was an ECW show.

-3D and BOOM we have ourselves NEW new tag champs.

-Spike contorted his face... HA!! Loser!

-The Dudley's grab the belt, then hug Spike fiercely.

-Hmm... do you think... that if Heyman gets Vince to agree to a gimmick where the little prick pins all the big guys... and Vince tells The Big Show that he's up first... do you think we will have our first recorded sighting of a head actually exploding FOR REAL?

-Two things are now for sure. 1: It's ANOTHER Three way TLC match for WM and 2: EVERY SINGLE FEUD the Dudleys have from here on out will start with someone beating the shit out of Spike.

-commercials

-Chris Angle and Kurt Benoit (aw shaddup) talk strategy... The Crossface will be applied to Rocky as a way to soften him up for the big Ankle Lock. Benoit had a slight issue, but kept it to himself. (he knows the deal... he knows who has the stroke)

-Eddie Guerrero was at WWF New York. For no reason other than it gives Ross a chance to announce that he'll be fighting Test for the Euro belt at WM. I thought he was set to go at Benoit? Who'd he piss off?

-Regal comes out. Benoit comes out. Angle comes out.

-commercials

-Jericho comes out... announces that Regal's favorite letter on the Alphabet must be "P"... the Audience saw it coming a mile away. For some retarded reason, I thought it was gonna be the letter "Q".

-the Rock came out. LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH!!!!!!!!

-Jericho started with Regal. It quickly turned into Rocky vs Benoit. I'd explain how the transition was made, but I was playing with my bird. No, really. No, I was not jerking off... perverts... I was playing with my Blue & Green Macaw.

-After Rock's standard opening performance... Jericho was back in and took a pounding for a while.

-Jericho got the crap suplexed out of him. 

-ONE FUNNY MOMENT... Regal dropped Jericho hard, then paused, smiled, and waved to the audience. I say, MAKE HIM WORLD CHAMP!!!!!!!!

-Rocky got in, finally. He TCB'ed

-Eventually, and inevitably...Rocky was put in the Crossface AND the Ankle Lock at the same time! Yet, HE DID NOT SUBMIT!!! My God!! CALL HOLLYWOOD!!! WE HAVE OUR LEAD STAR FOR THE LONG AWAITED "LUKE CAGE: POWERMAN" FILM!!! (For comedic value, Andy Dick can play Iron Fist)

-It turned into a melee... Regal yoinked the Rock's belt (or maybe it was Jericho's IC belt?!?!?) and beaned Jericho with it. He got off the pin. The heels win! (although seeing how so many people really can’t stand either the Rock OR Jericho... AND seeing how Benoit is pretty much God... and Regal is right up there with him... maybe... perhaps... the FACES are the winners?)

-The triple team commenced. Focusing mostly on Rocky.

-Out comes Austin. He tried to stun the Rock, but lost it.

-He DID stun Angle... of course. If Raw was OZ, Angle would be "Beecher"

-Austin turned around, and Rocky tagged him with his belt. Benoit nailed Rocky. Rocky nailed him right back.

-Austin got up... turned around again... and was hit with a Rock bottom. Austin was laid out. Rocky started down at him with that eerie gaze of his. Ross screamed. Heyman screamed. The fans screamed. I screamed OW... DAMN BIRD BIT ME!!

-The show ended.

Hmm... lots of run-ins... lots of people interfering so matches can end... faster than usual promos... quick segments.

Welcome to the WWF, Paul E.

I'm sure RAW wins the week... but it's only fair to see what Nitro is up to before they go away for a while.

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